WARNING: MAY CONTAIN EVEN MORE MISINFORMATION
I edited my post above explaining my sorrow (apologies to all). For kicks though on how I have this setup (and at the risk of spreading more misinformation), apparently I am using SmartThings Virtual Switches, and from what I can tell this is working for me with how I have it setup. My head hurts though and maybe I’m still missing something here, but here are a few screenshots to show my setup in case this helps a sliver:
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