You are a rockstar - I removed the motor from the LIDAR sensor and saw the debris caught in the spindle (photo below).
The motor turns by hand even with this amount of hair, so I didn’t think it’d be the issue, but apparently it’s too much resistance for the motor to spin it on its own. Cleaned the hair and dirt off it (should have prob sprayed it with some silicon afterwards) and placed back into the vacuum and the LIDAR started spinning. Now I have to remember how to put the entire robot back together (since it’s in a near full teardown at this point), but 100% thank you for leading me to the issue/remedy. Hopefully this will help others too. (And the fix doesn’t require a full teardown, just a dozen screws to remove the LIDAR sensor/lid.)